HE DIDN'T JUST CALL YOU FAT! (This is not the article you may think it is)

Are you hearing what is being said?

Okay ladies (and any gentlemen who read this) I'm about to get really honest. If you have a boyfriend, husband or male friend in your life (father, brother etc) that you care about their opinion DO NOT set them up for failure or bait them with loaded questions. It isn't fair! 

They get tongue tied, confused, nervous and most of the time will say the wrong answer because of what you are looking to hear. It's not them most of the time, it's you, me, us! 

As I gained an extra 40+ pounds I would ask my husband "Am I fat?" He would panic, swallow and say slowly "You have gained weight but you are still attractive to me." Then I would throw at him the "Do you think I need to lose weight?!" His reply would be "I think it would be good, yes."

Now before you get upset with him or take on any offense for me, listen to what he said. "1. You have gained weight (I had), 2. You still are attractive to me (I can't argue this although I tried), 3. I want you to lose weight so we can do the things we used to."

Lets take a look at the first one. I had gained weight and was continuing to gain at that point. When I asked him if I was fat the truth was that I was (at 180 lbs) and he wasn't going to lie to me. He didn't call me fat he said I had gained weight. It was true! The truth not only hurt but it fed my insecurity and after that answer I only heard the lies I was telling myself. They included, you're fat, that makes you ugly, that means you aren't attractive anymore, that means he doesn't like you and you already don't like yourself?! What a viscous cycle.

Men can separate things, categorize them and not let the one affect the other. For women it's the opposite, everything is connected and in most cases cannot or will not be separated. So when Raymond said that I had gained weight, I could still be attractive to him even though for me it was impossible to believe because in my head weight gain meant unattractive and there wasn't any other outcome. 

Now for all the ladies out there who are plus size, in the middle or larger I'M NOT BASHING YOU! I have been raised in a house where gaining weight was the worst thing that could happen to you. It created an mentality that if I gained weight (me, Laura Oosterom) then I was unattractive. However I have been friends and am friends with many plus sized girls and women and they are so beautiful in my eyes. They're sexy and voluptuous and I can't stop telling them how pretty or beautiful they are, how lucky some man will be to marry them one day and I mean it with all my heart. But for myself personally when it came to weight gain I couldn't get past how I had been raised to think about it.

It wasn't just the weight gain! It was so much more, for myself I became lethargic, I had no energy, I was sad, depressed, didn't want to cook, clean, get off the couch, go anywhere, be seen etc. As you can read, I wasn't a very fun, interactive wife, friend, sister or daughter. I was super insecure and trying to disappear. Part of the problem was that I didn't believe I was beautiful anymore and another part was that I thought I was stuck and growing. I didn't believe I could lose weight or change my future in this aspect and it was killing me. 

The second thing my husband would say was "You are still attractive to me" and he meant it. I couldn't or wouldn't hear him but he said it and meant it. Now something that I wish he had known to do was come to me and tell me how beautiful I was, how attractive I had become or how sexy I was to him. However as a cornered man he wasn't coming near the subject. And the truth for us as a couple is that he does prefer a more athletic build which is what I was before we got married and for at least the first year after. He fell in love with my athletic self and all of the activities we did together but with the new overweight version of me all of my joy and adventurous spirit and athletics disappeared. I fully believe that if I was my joyful, spontaneous, athletic self at 180 pounds he wouldn't have cared. 

The third thing he said was that yes he did think I should lose weight. It was a hard pill to swallow but it was sage advice as well. All he knew was that when I weighed less I was happy, energetic, up for adventures and challenges. He told me that he wanted those characteristics back. "I want my happy Laura back" he would say. He thought that losing weight and spending more time with God would do that for me. He was right. 

One other thing I will mention is that my husband also doesn't want me getting too skinny. He doesn't want a stick, he isn't some sicko that is looking for a magazine add in his wife. He just wants me. Some of you will read this and say "But you are you at 180 lbs and you are you at 140 lbs." That's true and it's not. I wrote in a previous blog that I didn't feel like myself, like I had been lost somewhere along the way. The truth was that at that heavier weight I wasn't me, I wasn't able to do the things I desire as Laura Oosterom. I have my own goals and dreams because I'm me (just as you have your own which makes you, you). I couldn't be who I want to be at that weight. I love being strong and being able to run, I like to cook and clean and go after crazy wild dreams that take a lot of energy and hard work. I thrive on being as strong as the boys or being able to compete with the work ethic being put out there. At 180 lbs I can't . 

So here's my challenge to you, LISTEN, step outside the moment, look at the big picture. If someone is asking you to be who you are called to be because they love you and they want you back then don't be offended. Don't corner the ones you love with the scary questions that have no positive outcome. Don't go looking for a screaming match or to feed your insecurity and self loathing. Either LOVE who you are and stay that way fully embracing the new you or love who you are now and start to change into the person you desire to be. Lose the weight or keep it, just make sure you are being faithful to yourself and know that you are beautiful! 

But be healthy! Too much weight will give health problems that nobody needs to experience or go through.

Ps. If someone is being a bully and calling you fat that's not okay. Tell somebody who loves you and cares for you and get that situation sorted out.