Dear whoever you are,
Yes dear because everyone is dear, God thinks so and I believe He is right. Hello, how are you and how was your day? Isn't it nice when someone asks and then actually listens, cutting in only sometimes for clarification or not at all? And isn't it wonderful when they ask a really good question that makes you think a little but not totally stump you - because after all it was your day and pertains to you.
Those moments of comfort;
A hot cup of something, a sweet, insane rain and afternoon naps. Crunching leaves, warm sun on a crisp fall day, warming your face and causing you to smile. Snow falling outside, silent, magical, while you bake inside with loved ones and listen to your favorite music. Chocolate chip cookies, spiced apple cider or cold lemonade on a HOT summer day. A really satisfying workout, an amazing view at the top of that ridicules hike, the sound of your mother's voice, jumping in the puddles, not being too grown up to play, being grown up enough to eat what you want, when you want and not regretting it later because you didn't over do it. The strength of your father, the sounds of children laughing, swinging on the swings, the love of your partner that you will never be able to duplicate and you don't know why or how you got it.
Wonderful things, complex things or simple ones. Adult things. Stored up and memory things. Comfort, attachment, joy, health, things that cause your body and soul to sigh and relax.
I stopped writing, blogging, journaling (although I've never been very faithful to it), and being myself because of some intense body shaming that was given to me in a daily dose. I met my goal wouldn't you know, I lost those 50 lbs but someone was hurt by it because this person was still back there in +50 land and was miserable. I knew that misery, know that misery and I didn't help her. I let her shame me and tear me down and then I ate my way back up so it would stop. You know what, it did. I haven't heard a hurtful peep since. But I am miserable. I am heavy and tired, exhausted to be truthful, grumpy, unsatisfied and sadly - peering into the past at what I had at -50lbs.
Losing that weight was a miracle. I didn't know I could lose weight. It seemed so difficult, and then it wasn't and then I had done it.
The wonderful thing is that I have started this process again. I am 189.6 lbs this time around, my heaviest yet and it scared me. The reason I had first started this journey was to help my husband as well as become healthy for any babies we might have, the babies I look after for another and for myself (my physical, mental, emotional, spiritual self). Since I quit he's had a relapse that put him back a year in school, we had a miscarriage (totally normal apparently), caused my health to decline at an astounding rate and made me miserable. Failure and hurt, deep hurt are a nasty mix. It eats at you, tries to change you and twist you into something hateful and bitter. Well I'm not interested in hateful and bitter so I've forgiven and moved on and that includes myself.
You see I'm not blind, I know I ate the food that got me back here. I made the choice to revert to my old ways instead of confronting this friend and pulling my pain out so it could be healed. I stuffed it away and locked it up. I did that, nobody else.
So here I am a couple of years later and back up in the 180's and sugar detoxing. Did I mention the first time I did this how awful a detox is? You feel terrible, you have no energy, you have headaches, (sometimes) nausea, a terrible temper, you feel sleep deprived, and overall like you may be dyeing.
Here's the thing - there's hope and a lot of it! When you get past that phase, the death phase I'll call it, you wake up and don't even realize it's over. You start your day maybe with some anxiety, some dread, some snap, BUT you feel better so you don't totally lose it. By the middle of the day, when you're usually asleep on your feet, you realize you have a second wind kicking in and energy infusing into your normally, tired body. By the evening you get home and (high five) no headache, no nausea, no temper! You actually... FEEL GREAT! You feel awake, alert, more in the moment, present. You feel like you could clean your home, do something other than sit on the couch, maybe... GO FOR A WALK?!!!
This happens, after the death phase comes life. I'm talking amazing life. And the only difference is that you have survived the sugar detox. It only gets better (insert big grin). The weight will melt off, your toxins will leave your body, the energy grows naturally, you'll sleep better, feel better, be more stable emotionally, happier all around and more enjoyable to be with (wink).
So join me in healthy choices, whether you are just beginning, you're on your second, third or twentieth time around or if you haven't started yet. You can do this. I've done it before, I know it's possible, it's mine to reach out and grab. It's a choice, like anything else and I'm making it. You to can come with me and make these life changes, not being held back by fear, hate, selfishness, greed or your past. I will be supporting my husband once again by abstaining from sugar, starches, grains, and dairy. I will be taking a multi vit each day and eating home made yogurt for my calcium intake (or sometimes drinking milk - I don't want osteoporosis and milk isn't a stumbling block for my hubby).
In fact I already have, I am two weeks in and feel great, and those pesky vitamins that I usually forget to consume - I take them when I remember (night or day I don't care) at least once in that 24 hour span.
So here's to new beginnings, being stronger than the first time, forgiveness and no shame. I'm proud to be me, to learn life's lessons and no give up or lose hope. I will dream and I will pursue those dreams and I will conquer!
